not a poem/but thought

Sometimes when we are in love we find ourselves thinking the wrong. I will give you my take on some examples:

I love them enough that they must love me/i love them so much that one day they will see i am all they need

Truth: all they see is that u will take whatever they dish out. and yes it may bother them to hurt you but they wont stop cuz u give them no reason to. and it isnt hurt they feel its guilt. but guilt is a small price to pay in order to do what they want. they see u are there and they may even see u love them more than u love urself. but that dont mean they stop. and all it does it beat u down. u looked at urself and question who u are and why cant they be happy with u. they tell you all the apologies in the world to keep u there. i love u. i only slept with that person two times. i dont know whats wrong with me. it was retarded of me. and u continue to love them and give them more of u hoping it is enuff.hahaha...u are making urself out to become a security blanket. someone they know they can come back to. and u can break up and leave them but whats the point if u are going to take them back. when u take them back they are just going to do it again. if they did it once then they didnt care in the first place.

i can change them/they love me enuff to change for me

truth: people dont change they get better at being who they are. u can never change someone but u can change the person u are with. if the person u are with doesnt have all qualities you are looking for lose them now. u cant change or mold them into what u want. they have been who they are longer than u have known them. they are not going to change because of u. what they will do is let u see what they want u to see. so truth be told u are living a lie. they will stop going out as much but thats temporary.

they are different with me

truth: the same way u got them is the same way u loose them. cliche but true...if they had someone when they got with u they will get someone else while they are with u. if u had to run ppl off for them to be with u someone will run u off. if u had to manipulate to get them u will be manipulating your whole relationship to keep them...

they are the most wonderful person i've met

truth: u are dating their representative. if u have been dating them less than a year and half then u dont know them. shit i was with someone for a decade of my life and didnt really know them til i was six years in and we had a baby. u never really know someone til its been a year and a half, yall have a place together and real life starts kicking in, bills start showing up and then u see the real them.

for now this is all i have to saw on my vent

He Died

he died the other night
he died in my mind
then slowly in my heart
for years i gave him all of me
then he died so suddenly
i watched while he killed me
then left abruptly
now he has left
i wish i could tell my son his daddy was a good man
but after all i've been thru that would be a lie
but i will remember the good times
and share those with him
so much bad he took with him
blessed i am that he has passed
now he can stop poisoning my ass
he can stop polluting my life
with his ill will
he died the other night
and part of me died too
but it was the part that was poisoned by him
his death is hard
but i bury him with all the fights, the cheating and lies
with the pain he caused
he is gone
no need to keep holding on
he isnt here to lead me on
he died the other night
and all i have left is his seed
the son he didnt want
the son that belongs to me
he died the other night
and i cant cry anymore
now i can bolt down the door
my heart wont be open anymore
he died the other night
and all i can say
is good riddens to all his pain

Alone

Loneliness is a state of being
a state of mind
and a state of me
the place where i stand
alone is how this started
and alone is how i will finish
alone is he whom i birth
alone he'll be
there wont be another
or another half to me
Alone is my choice
my state of mind
i will never let another take me mind
it is sad when your alone
but its better than having someone and then their gone
if i could change anything i would change u
the day we met
would not exsist
then i could be lonely and not miss
lonely is my sanctuary
Alone is who i am
Strong enough to stand alone
Strong enough to know when not to fight
I accept this road that was paved for me
this road that i must travel alone
he died the other night
proof that i was meant to be alone
my other half has past
and now i am alone

Rambling Forgets

i wanna forget how it feels to kiss intensley
how his lips felt when we kissed
how his nails feel on my back
how much i gave without getting back
I wanna forget that our son has his smile
i wanna forget that this is his child
I wanna forget all the times he made me laugh
every smile that we had
I wanna forget the day when met
in a middle school hallway
i wanna forget his charm
I wanna erase this history
and pretend it never was
i wanna forget every tear
every minute, every hour, every day, every year
I wanna forget how much he meant
I wanna forget the fairytale
Kings, Knights, and princes dont exsist
I wanna close my eyes and wake up tomorrow
and not know his name
I wanna have amnesia to his game
its not fair how much i have suffered
but I cant forget the pain and heartache
and how each tear i cry are all for this one guy
maybe the pain will help me forget
I just wanna forget this BITCH

lost

Suddenly i am sinking
drowning
feeling very low
Cant breath
the dark i cant escape
all of a sudden I cant see clear
my mind is clouded with fear
fear of not succeeding
not doing right
i need to make a change and get my life right
there is so much pain
it taking me under
i need to get rid of this cloud and thunder
so scared right now of being alone
sometime i wish he was home
i need help thru
this is so hard
things fall apart
so lost right now
cant find my way
i need to pray

LOST, ramble of thots, fighting the demons

I have demons in my shadows
Nightmares I cant erase
This facade of being ok
There are demons in my shadows
I cant see their face
but I can feel the grasp that they hold
pulling my down to the dark alley's of life
fighting me with all their might
Demons in the shadows
lurking to see
how much damage i'll do just being me
Shutting you out
and giving up on us
but u gave up and left me to walk the darkness alone
Shadows of Demons
I have created
I can cause grief
life is so over rated
So u live for today and thats not true
cuz u forever look back
on the things u couldnt do
Demons
they fight me every nite
I dont even own tears to cry
have they won and will haunt me forever
I need to go to church, read my bible
fight these demons in my shadows
but how do u fight what manifested with in
I have created this sin
No longer searching for self but lost in myself
looking for the light but only GOD can help
This darkness has cast over me...i feel lost on a one way street
please someone help me

Loss for Words

Its like I can not write anymore
liek words on the pages are ignored
my mind has traveled to a dark place
grey skies, thunder, hail storms with no escape
what words
they are misplaced
unspoken, unwritten, no longer exsistant
time is still
the words wont spill
what is happening
the train has arrived and my mind is still empty
Lost
I can not speak
Silence...windows breaking
have i lost my mind or just the words inside
Tick Tock...I hear the clock
time ticks so slow
but at least its starting to move
where did the words go
the words are slow
heartbeats, no speech
just a rambling beat
the words that were are no longer there
i am so scared
if i can not speak and the words do not form
who will help me escape from the Norm
the insanity is playing tricks on my words
No strength to give
no love lost
Just words lost to a thought
where did they go
I lost the description
need a prescription
then maybe they will return
and the sanity will regain
who am i without my words
i will try again to be free
Remember the words that make me me
the words that will help me define who i'll be
i need to search and find these words lost within

Untitled/incomplete

Why do we glorify the shinny things
Bling has never been the American Dream
America was built on the backs of slaves
Now you are a slave to the gold chain
You think you made it cuz your rims shine
but whats left for your family when those rims are the reason you die
You hustle hard everyday on the corner
to obtain materials things you see in magazines
while your children are home missing their daddy
Do you think you have gotten ahead by putting a bullet in someones head
Our blood built this land and you keep striving to get under it
You plant your seeds in women instead of making a family with one
Your goal shouldnt be to make it to tomorrow
Your goal should be to buy a house, be a corporate king
Being a street pharmacist never got anyone anything
and what a hypocrit you are
You were the same boy whose mother loved the pipe more than you
Now you are helping to create a motherless world
While you trying to maintain yo bling
you are killing a family and destroying a new king
American Gangstas dont get to retire
There in jail or burning in Hells fire
In the end what will u have
nothing but a galosophy bag
something to remind you of the game you are willing to die by
in in your life what legacy will u leave
the life of a gangsta wanna be
while those who care rock that t-shirt
you are the one lying under the dirt
is the bling your only dream
Is there nothing higher
let go of the bling and be a savivor
live for you kids and the woman who stuck by you

The Rape of A Mind

how did it feel to be raped they asked

It was like watching sand pour slowly thru an hour glass

he blind sighted me with his charm

i never even saw the alarms

I let down mys guard and he binded my arms

I released myself and he let me believe I was safe

then he covered my face

It was even worse than I could imagine

the pain, heartache, the complete panic

He approached so soft I released every thought

he played his game and i became enticed with the false

he deserves an Oscar for the role of the impostor

He positioned himself and waited for me to melt

Then he slowly dug deep until he was inside me

Like a thief in the night he stole my eyesight

He held me down and penetrated me on the ground

How can someone I trust hurt me so much

this rape was uncommon more painful then most

because he used my trust, and against so many pleas

he forced himself upon me. i submitted to relieve the pain

but he didn't rape my body he just played his game

he stole more of me then i wanted him to own

he left me there on the floor soiled from the fight

and all my tears to cry

He raped all of me, all of my mind

MESMERIZED

All that quickly i cant escape the thought

Our bodies locked into each other

his smooth skin and shaven face being traced

by the tip of my fingers and the kisses and conversation linger

His body is mesmerizing

his carmel skin the sweat on his back

the air on my neck the sweetness of his kisses

Built like a carmel god

soft as the damn bear

all I could do was stare

damn i could do him anywhere

happy to serve for this good cause

murdered me and lost two pair of my draws

locked by our legs

and caressed by our hands

cheek to cheek this wasnt just a fuck

this was different and unique

Not only did the King Just loose his throne

But this nigga was like Lancealot and told the King to get Gone

He slayed me with his dragon

that mighty beast

and just when i thought his over he got back on me

I was done with feelings just wanted to fuck

but we talked so much that i started to know too much

So I looked at him in his eye and and thought fuck

i dont wanna like this guy

but i was mesmerized

I dont wanna be his chick

but i wanna lay next to his stick

let him control the vibe and keep me mesmerized

as we awoke after our 3 hour sleep

all i could was watch him dress and walk away from me

and he kissed my cheek

i'll see him monday when i'm in my seat

being mesmerized by his basketball heat

he isnt my boyfriend and understands the deal

but i promise he is my new favorite meal

I was graced by a God

and he truely emerged as that

good looking and on the right track

Mesmerized by his thighs and his thrust

Mesmerized by his physique

and his touch

DEATH OF A FRIENDSHIP

So here it goes

I cant let go

I miss my friend and the truth

I miss talking to you

The goals and dreams

even growing to be better things

being you with me

and me being truely me

I feel like my puppy died

even though I dont have tears to cry

I just want to scream aloud

and throw a tantrum like a spoiled child

We agreed to always be friends

Now because of some insecure Bitch

its like we never began

I didnt want things to happen this way

but that bitch caught me on a drunk day

What was I suppose to say

U were my nigga and fuck the sex

and anyting that happened i dont regret

it was the realest thing and the truth

maybe i am the only one who can see the truth

maybe it is my age and wisdom too

cuz i just cant get over the friend i had in you

I want to talk to u about my new friend

I want to be able to start again

minus the sex and other intimacies

I just want to kick it with my nigga

and do nigga things

how can u go back to something so strong

i dont know

but i'm gone leave this alone

friends no more and tho its sucks

what else is there to do but give up

I guess i was just friends with the wrong one

FOR 23

Big things come in small packages

but who knew that i could create u

From the moment u arrived u didnt even cry

u just looked at me in my eyes

u made sounds but were trying to explain

if only i understood what u were trying to say

u are so smart

and u keep my heart

u are perfect in everyway

i love watching u grow everyday

how did i get so lucky

god blessed me with u

u saved my heart and soul
God saved me with u
even when i'm angry with u
u are my prince
with every arguement u still shine thru
I'm so lucky to have u
and one day when i ready i will give u a sibling
not like u
different of course but never replace u
u are one of a kind
my diamond in the ruff
u are my prince to a king
u are my everything

Reflection of me

So Many Things are running thru my mind
I dont know where to start
Its like a never ending story
When I was weak I was beat
when I left that alone I moved on and returned home
to my security and he mentally abused me
played on the already exsisting insecurities
and then he was goneI got STRONGand made myself move on
Now that i'm not weak
its seems like niggas cant handle me
Cant handle my truth or strength
I wonder if this would be if i was still the weak minded bitch
I've been molested and raped
abandoned, beaten and thru heartbreak
was grown to fast but thats all in my past
i am growing
trying to be better learning life's lessons
and moving on
i dont need a man to complete me
but having a man is entertaining
maybe thats the problem i am not needy or greedy
i can share love with the world
i want a man confident and caring
who can recognize the goodness he has at home
a man who believes in me and what i can be
who wants to help me achieve so that us together can succeed
I am too grown for games
I did that shit back in the day
I am not obsessed with losing weight
happy with what God has gave
I love all of me
I embrace who I amThe BITCH, The MOTHER, The Lover, and The Fighter
when i reflect on me I feel there is nothing higher
Sometimes cocky but always humble
I wasnt always this waybut i woke up one day and decided
I didnt like what i was
So i made a choice to be the best I could be to better meand be proud of all of me

THE EXCEPTION

I am the exception
I don’t think like the rest
My mind travels farther than what u posses

I am the exception
I believe in trust and space
As long as u don’t invade mine we’ll be ok
I’ll always give you ....ur.... space so we’ll be fine

I am the exception
I don’t need u the way they do
I can buy my meals and get where I have to go
I’m resourceful and got my own doe

I am the exception
Cuz I wont pry
I don’t need to go thru yo shit
What type of relationship is this

I am the exception
I don’t need ....ur.... passcode and keys
To feel secure in me

I am the exception
I aint gon pop up at ....ur.... spot
I trust u know what u got

I am the exception
I am truly real
And in the words of Millz
“I don’t know how fake feels”

I am the exception
I will listen to u
And tell u the truth
What u want to hear isn’t my concern
I want u to succeed

I am the exception
I didn’t have my son to keep him home
I had my son cuz with me is where ....Jordan.... belonged

I am the exception
I don’t need a man
I have a child I’m raising to be better than

I am the exception
As a mother I have done great
My son was blessed with me in his fate

I am the exeption
I’m talented in all I do
From fucking u
To the job I go to

I am the exception
I wont myspace or twit
The last time u licked my clit

I am the exception
Cuz I care
Not blinded by love but sometimes end up with a blank stare

I am the exception
I admit my flaws
I don’t blame u for what other did wrong

I am the exception
There is only me
And if u let go
U will look back and think
I had the exception
And that exception was me